Did he really say ardently?
by imightfloat
Summary: What if Elizabeth met Darcy once more at Rosings after reading his letter?
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **What if Elizabeth had met Darcy once more at Rosings after reading his letter?

**Disclaimer: **All characters are the creation of Jane Austen.

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><p>- 1 -<p>

It would not be acceptable, no matter how sorely she was tempted to do so, to feign another headache and let this be her excuse for not attending dinner at Rosings that evening. So Elizabeth had to feign contentment and equanimity instead and suspend all her most pressing thoughts until she could retire to the privacy of her room at the parsonage again. When they approached the house and Mr. Collins once again took on the enumeration of its many windows, it seemed to her that their number must have doubled now that she knew _he_ would be behind none of them.

How did he feel about her at present? Was he angry or distraught? His letter had not truly betrayed his feelings and this morning in the park, she had barely dared to look at him. She could not have said whether he had seemed indifferent or grave. The triumph of having wounded his pride - was that not what she had attempted to do since their first encounter or at least their second? - had not been as great as she had expected. To speak the truth, she did not feel triumphant at all. She still resented him, for his highhandedness in having separated Bingley and Jane and for the way in which he had exposed her own shortcomings. How blind she had been when it had come to Wickham!

She had no desire to ever see him again. And yet she would note his absence; she could almost feel it. Tonight, if she were invited to sit down at the pianoforte, she would be equally aware of his not looking at her as she had been of his staring before. He had certainly succeeded in making himself memorable: she would always be conscious now of the life that she could have lived, although she did not want it. He had created the possibility and it was she who would now have to live with it.

What could he have been thinking? True, their conversations on the morning walks had seemed more cordial than they had been at Netherfield, but they had none of the informality that she had felt with Wickham or the Colonel. How could these few oddly unconnected sentences have led her to believe that he was ready to offer for her? Not once could a word he had spoken have been mistaken for flirtation. In this, he was the exact opposite of Wickham or his cousin, who spoke in such a manner frequently, but meant nothing. It was she who must have misled him, he must have read more into her lively manners than she could have guessed. Or else his arrogance knew no bounds and he was ready to marry a woman who did not return his attentions, simply to see his own desires satisfied.

Love. He had spoken of love. And "ardently". Whatever could he have meant? How did he even know such a word, such a dour man who did not even take pleasure in a dance! He had admitted that he could feel passionate resentment, but was he capable of loving with equal determination? If he had meant it, if he knew the significance of the word, then he would be the first man who ever loved her. For all she knew, he might be the only man who would ever love her.

Could he have expected a kiss when he had hurried to the parsonage? A memory of one evening at Netherfield came back to her, when he had claimed to admire Miss Bingley's and her own figure from his position. How many times had he admired her figure since then? She clutched her wrists rather awkwardly in front of her, as if she wanted to protest clearly the part she might have played in the man's imagination. And no matter how much it shamed her - she could not help but feel the compliment.

It was impossible to account for it: she was not beautiful - pleasing, was the most even her mother would allow. What could he have seen in her that others had not? He was undoubtedly handsome, more so than Bingley. On the few occasions when she had allowed herself to think about the man she might marry, that man had been nothing like Mister Darcy. She imagined a kind, simple man, not one that other ladies would look at jealously. They would wonder what Elizabeth might have done to draw him in and would never believe how little she had done. On the contrary, she had done everything that was in her power to anger and repel him. What a strange man he must be! To be so proud and then let himself be moved by impertinence rather than flattery! What could he have been thinking: what talk their engagement would have caused, what rumours would have been circulated!

Elizabeth did not know how they had made their way to the entrance. She was sure that she had heard Mister Collins ask her a question and that she had replied distractedly and absurdly out of context. He had been talking since they had left the parsonage. Elizabeth had found that with very little effort his speeches could be reduced to a distant buzzing. She wondered how often Charlotte resorted to the same artifice.

Why could she regard one applicant for her hand as a comical episode and feel so differently about the other? Her feelings towards him were impossible to determine and she feared that she would never reach a definite conclusion in the matter. He would always remain a mystery to her and one no amount of mulling over would solve. And yet, mull over him she would.

Yes, she hated him, if only for the power he had gained over her, no matter how she resisted it. In the hours that had elapsed since first reading his letter, she had almost come to understand his reasons for separating Jane from Mister Bingley. How firmly she had held that grief, how acutely she had felt it! And yet a few neatly written lines from his hands had almost convinced her of the justice of his actions. How dangerous it would have been to let such a man into her life - she would never again have been sure of anything and with time he would have replaced her own good judgement with his own!

This evening too would pass and soon enough she would be on her way to London and then she would return to Longbourn and life would go on just as it had before. This train of thought that she had started in the hope of giving her comfort all of a sudden made her feel uneasy. Life would indeed go on as it had before and the pleasures of the quiet day-to-day were the most that she could expect. And then everything would change for the worse on the day her father would pass away and no one could tell when that would be.

Jane was still grieving for Bingley, Elizabeth was sure of that. She had not spoken of any new acquaintance she would have made in London - it was far from certain that another suitor would ever present himself. At home, Lydia would be Lydia, Mary would be dull, Kitty would be unable to decide whether she would rather be Lydia or rather be dull, her mother would grow from exuberant to desperate, as time progressed and her daughters remained unmarried. As for her father, he would be indifferent - or pretend to be, to avoid causing concern to anyone, foremost himself.

Another question forced itself upon her: what if she had been able to guess at his intentions? What if he had been more explicit, if she'd had time to ponder the possibility of his proposing, would she have reacted differently? What if she had not encountered Colonel Fitzwilliam only hours before, if she had not been able to know for sure about Mister Darcy's interference concerning Jane and Bingley, would her reply have been the same?

Yes, she decided after a few moments of reflection. She had promised herself that only the deepest love would induce her into matrimony and she most certainly did not love him. How could she? To her he remained a stranger - in his letter he had said more than in all the time of their acquaintance. Now he was someone she knew. He was not a friend, by no means. An enemy? Then what was he? Mr. Collins addressed her again and she was just about to formulate another vague reply, when she heard _his_ voice.


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for your reviews! I hope the story will not disappoint... I'll try to post new chapters regularly - I have the next chapters almost ready, but the second half of the story is still only a rough draft. This is my first fan fiction. I'll post two chapters today so you can see where this is going..._

_Thank you for reading :)_

**Disclaimer**: All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 2 -<p>

Elizabeth could not say how she felt, one emotion succeeding the other before she was even able to name the one that had come before. She was sure that her face betrayed her shock and she hurried to check her expression before Charlotte - who had been so much more clear-sighted than herself - could note her uneasiness. Yes, the gentlemen had announced that they would take their leave but there were many reasons why their departure might have been delayed. Someone might have been taken ill or a horse might have cast a shoe.

So she would see him again. She felt embarrassment, but she was not unhappy. In fact she wanted an opportunity to meet him once more; one last confrontation should help her sort out her opinion of the man.

He was in the midst of a violent discussion and it was more violent even than the one they had had the night before, because she had never heard him raise his voice in that manner. She did not even know he was capable. A woman replied in an equally agitated tone: Lady Catherine.

Mister Collins perpetual insistence on punctuality had put them in this predicament. They were almost a quarter of an hour early, but then again the parson's overzealousness was so constant that it had become a kind of punctuality in itself. The servant who had been unfortunate enough to open the door for them hesitated on the right course of action to take. Charlotte was the first to recollect herself and suggested that their party would wait for her Ladyship in the drawing room. The servant readily agreed and then speedily departed to they did not know where, possibly to alert her Ladyship to the arrival of her guests or perhaps to vanish off the face of the earth.

From the drawing room every word exchanged between the fighting parties could be understood quite clearly. Elizabeth was very sure to have overheard the word "marriage". Now all she could do was listen in mortification, while he discussed the one subject she had been dwelling on so consistently for the last hours. He expressed himself energetically on the matter of his alleged betrothal to his cousin, denying every intention of making an offer to Anne.

"You know very well, Aunt, that I have never given you a reason to expect I would offer for Anne."

So Lady Catherine had finally decided to confront him and that must be what had delayed his departure. She must have sensed what step he had been about to take.

"And you know very well that the union has been planned since you were in your cradles. It was the dearest wish of your mother and you must see the good sense of it."

"The good sense? It would be a most fortunate prospect indeed to unite Rosings and Pemberley, but you cannot expect your daughter or myself to marry without inclination..."

Lady Catherine cried out at his mention of "inclination", but he pursued nevertheless:

"While I encourage good sense in all matters, it will not be the sole condition by which I choose my future wife."

"And what would be your condition? I have known you all your life and I cannot believe that you would make such an important decision with a mind clouded by infatuation. No, this shall pass and the reasonable man that you are will no longer disregard the advantages a union with Anne can offer."

Mister Collins smiled fixedly - perhaps he was trying to obstruct his ears with his jaw muscles. Maria, terrified and silent, had all but disappeared behind her sister Charlotte. Charlotte and Charlotte alone seemed delighted about the turn of events. That he would so explicitly refuse his cousin could only mean that he must be ready to make an offer to her friend.

"I do not wish to grieve you but you must know that Anne is not in good health. She could not bear a child."

There was a brief silence before her Ladyship spoke:

"But Miss Bennet! Miss Bennet could bear a child, is that what you mean to tell me? Yes, she is as healthy as can be!"

It was inevitable that the three guests who were not Miss Bennet now turned to look at the lady in question. Elizabeth did not know to what degree her expression betrayed her: could they guess how much she knew? Would they believe her if she attempted to feign surprise at what had just transpired?

"Oh, do not think me blind, nephew! Despite my age my faculties in this department are in no way declining. I am fully aware of the way in which you have been staring at this woman, it was most indecent. I had not thought you such a fool. To be ensnared so readily!"

"Enough!"

But Lady Catherine would not be silent: she reminded him of all he was risking and of how she would never know him again if he were to wed so far beneath his station. Had he thought about the ways in which such a step would harm his sister's prospects? Elizabeth did not know whether he heard her warnings, but she heard them most certainly. And he had disregarded all of this in the hope of winning her? He had said as much to her last night, but she had not been able to understand his words. He must have considered all of this very carefully before he had hurried to the parsonage to secure her hand.

Had Elizabeth not been so deeply perturbed, Mr. Collins' expression would have amused her a great deal. By now one side of his face was fighting the other: the left wanted to agree with his noble patroness, while the right must express his disapproval of such a slandering of his cousin - at least as long as his cousin was sitting right in front of him.

"If she wanted to have me..."

"If she wanted to have you? Are you out of your mind? You will not dare..."

"If you will excuse me..."

Elizabeth jumped up from the settee. She could not wait for Lady Catherine's arrival and the further humiliation that would most certainly follow. So instead she hurried out the door and towards the garden.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 3 -<p>

"Miss Bennet."

She had heard his steps on the gravel path, even before he spoke out her name. With the little eloquence he found it in his power to conjure up, he tried to ascertain how much of what had been said between his aunt and himself she had overheard.

"Sufficient to have no desire to hear any more."

"It is my duty then to apologize for this indiscretion, unintended as it may have been."

Elizabeth wondered at how calmly a conversation with him could at present be contemplated - as if yesterday's embarrassment had been all but erased by today's even superior mortification. She wanted to speak with him. It seemed easier now to speak than to live with what might remain unsaid. She decided that she would have to make good use of this occasion and try to reach a definite conclusion about the man.

"I believe that I also owe you an apology."

"You do?"

Was he truly surprised or was he mocking her? If only she knew him better... But then again her ill judgement of him had put them in this predicament in the first place.

"I wish to thank you for your letter and for the trust you have placed in me. I assure you it will not be betrayed."

"I did not think you would betray it."

"And I wish to apologize for the harsh words I spoke to you yesterday. I now realise that at least part of the charges I levelled at you were indeed unfounded. It was foolish of me to accuse you when I had no other proof than the affirmations of a mere acquaintance."

She went on to explain that the many details he had provided in his account, as well as the assurance of the Colonel's corroboration of said account, had convinced her that he must indeed be telling the truth.

Hard as she tried, she was unable to clearly identify the expression he wore on his face; but then again when had she ever? Was he pleased to hear her confess her error? Or to have wounded her at least partly in return for the pain she had caused him? Was it at all possible that she had misjudged him again? Perhaps he had never felt the pain of disappointed love and nothing more than his pride had been hurt. Did he want to see her humiliated? How he had looked at her the day before - as if he had never expected a refusal. No, she could not allow herself to give him complete satisfaction.

"As for Mister Bingley..."

"I have written to Mister Bingley."

"You have?"

"Of course, I could not give him any of the particulars. I therefor merely composed a short missive informing him that I needed to discuss a rather serious matter with him. I will travel to London - actually I intended to be in London at this hour - and meet up with him there. While I still maintain my reservations concerning your family, I cannot put into question what you have told me of your sister's character. I am well aware of your frankness and of the affection you have for your sister. I am convinced at present that her feelings for my friend must indeed have gone unnoticed by me. I have erred and I will correct my error if that should still be possible."

He could not have known that he was being overheard in his discussion with his aunt. And yet - Elizabeth had to give him credit for it - he had spoken of her with the greatest civility. It had been quite unnecessary, he had nothing to gain from it. On the contrary, if he had joined in his relative's censure he would not have had to suffer her anger. How many men would have taken advantage of the occasion to abuse the woman who had scorned them?

"Thank you."

There was nothing more to say and she feared he would now propose to take his leave. Elizabeth began again:

"I also wish to let you know... I have always prided myself on being an excellent judge of character and yet I have been sorely mistaken on your account. I have entirely failed to understand what my friend Charlotte and even your aunt had long suspected. Had I been able to guess at your inclination, I might have found a way to discourage you in a more gentle manner, instead of..."

"Please do not speak of it."

He was silent at first, but then he found he could not resist the temptation to spar with her.

"And how could you not have suspected my inclination?"

"To tell the truth, I thought your opinion of me to be quite the opposite. Until yesterday, I would have sworn you despised me and looked at me only to find fault."

He started.

"Do you honestly believe that a man would look at a woman - to such an extent as I must have undoubtedly done, if it has escaped no one's notice but your own - to find fault? Do you think it agreeable to rest one's eyes on something by which one would be displeased?"

"I do not..."

"Would not the other possible explanation for such behaviour have been more likely: that I looked at you because I admired you?"

How she wished that he would not have spoken of admiration or affection again!

"And why would I have sought you out so frequently at the parsonage if your company was so disagreeable to me? Why would I have spent my mornings walking the grove if not for you? I gave you plenty of indications, even going as far as discussing other people's marital felicity in order to hear your opinion on the matter, in the hope of being able to anticipate what your own wishes might be."

"But you have never explicitly spoken of your regard for me..."

"As I said, I have no talent for flattery."

"Did you not only now explain that you looked at me because my appearance gave you pleasure? I am not expecting you to lie, Mister Darcy, but if I had indeed charmed you, you could have stated the fact simply, without artifice. As it stands, the last I have heard from you on the subject of your regard for me was that I am tolerable but not handsome enough to tempt you. How I could have concluded from this intelligence that you would make me an offer of marriage, I do not know."

At this, his shoulders dropped.

"You heard me?"

"Yes, I have. And were your words not spoken loudly enough for someone sitting barely an arm's length away from you to hear?"

"This is grievous indeed. I must apologize again. I had no desire for company on that evening and I should best have remained home. I spoke out of spite without even having looked at you. At that moment I could not have told you from any other woman in the room. And yes, to anticipate any further accusations you may want to make, I had indeed not expected to find myself tempted at a country assembly."

"And why is that?"

"Because I was foolish, Miss Bennet. Because I thought that I knew my heart, only to discover that I did not. I was prepared to meet a woman who would be pleasant enough, but I was certain that I could not find my partner in life at a country assembly. I believed that such a difference in station must make any serious attachment impossible."

"How abhorrent I must have appeared to you when I came to Netherfield after Jane had fallen ill! I know how Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst laughed at the state of my dress..."

"Oh no, it was precisely upon seeing you on that morning that I first..."

He had begun and he must now finish what he had started. No matter how mortifying, he simply could not bear to be misunderstood.

"I realised that... I was not indifferent at all. Forgive me for my frankness, but you have accused me of discretion, so I expect you to forgive me for expressing myself as clearly as possible at present."

Up until a few days ago, Elizabeth could have sworn that Mr. Darcy did not know the meaning of the word "love". His proposal was proof of how little he knew about it. Any man who failed to perceive the sincerity of Mr. Bingley's attachment could not define "love" in the same way that Elizabeth did.

"Do not ask me to explain the impulse or to analyse it. The notion that I was in love with you entered my mind without warning. I felt it, before I even had the wish to feel it."

Elizabeth had never discussed matters such as these with another person, not even with Jane. Although the sisters were close, Elizabeth was reluctant to share her private concerns. Now she would never be able to forget the man! Not only would he be the first man who had ever confessed himself in love with her; he was also about to become the person whose innermost concerns and thoughts she was to know best.

"During the days you spent at Netherfield, I found that no matter how firm my resolve not to enter into an argument with you, I listened each time you spoke. As much as I resented Miss Bingley's interruptions, I was entirely too ready to let myself be distracted by your presence. I forgot about the occupation I intended to pursue and watched you pursuing yours instead. I could not make sense of it."

"So this is what you meant by going against your will! You found yourself attracted to me despite yourself and unable to fight it, you chose to yield to an inclination you found distressing! And I am supposed to receive this as a compliment?"

"No! Am I truly expressing myself so poorly? I must be as you continue to misunderstand me. I have indeed fought against my inclination. It made me uncomfortable because I feared - no, I knew it to be beyond my control. My fears were well-founded, as you see. I was blind and I was foolish and I have only myself to blame for it. But is this not precisely the nature of love? Is there not something of the irrational in it?"

She now remembered his words when he had spoken about poetry serving as food for love. If he had hurried his friend away from Hertfordshire, it had been to save him from the misfortune of a loveless marriage!

Even though Elizabeth liked to claim that only the deepest love could induce her into matrimony, it was not his kind of love that had been on her mind. Not the kind of love that might cause a scandal or lead a person to disregard reason and perhaps even propriety. She believed in respect, trust and a similarity of tempers. Never could she have promised herself to a man whom she neither respected, nor trusted. A man who would never truly understand her. Lydia and Kitty did not care to know the difference between love and flirtation. Elizabeth doubted whether they would ever learn that these two things were not the same. And how could they know the difference when even their parents had been mistaken on that account? Jane wished only for a kind, amiable man. She had identified Charles Bingley as her ideal partner and Elizabeth was sure that they could have been very happy together.

Elizabeth did not believe in the kind of love that brought suffering and she did not trust those who were impulsive. Mr. Darcy, impulsive. Who would have believed it? How else could he have begun to wish for a life with Elizabeth as his partner, when they had never even exchanged more than a few sentences? Why make an offer of marriage - and so rashly? Why not propose a courtship first and give both partners a chance to become better acquainted with one another? No, he had stormed into the parsonage even though he should have expected to find her ill. It was not sound.

Yes, he had refused her at the Assembly - but she had refused him as well and could that be what had caught his attention? Not many women would refuse his attentions. It would be consistent with his character, with his pride.

"But would you propose to establish your life's felicity on nothing more than inclination? What if the benefits of first love fade as they must, how would we live?"

"I do not know what exactly drew me to you, but it does not imply that I have not in the weeks and months that followed questioned the solid foundation of my attachment. And it was only after I could be sure that this foundation was indeed solid that I decided to make my proposal."

"And yet, when you came to see me yesterday, you did not speak to me of these good, solid reasons that have withstood your thorough scrutiny."

"I admit to that failing. I had laid out quite a different proposal - why my mouth did not speak the words I had prepared is something I cannot account for. I will try again. I admire your ease when you are in company, be it a large gathering or a more intimate setting. You possess the talent to make everyone feel at ease, even myself, although I am reluctant to be made to feel at ease - as you will know by now. I realise at present that you never spoke to me with particular benevolence. You paid me no particular attention. When I was walking with you through the grove, you were too kind to dismiss me. I hoped that you might help me with my shortcomings. I do not know how to divert myself when important matters are weighing on my mind. I hoped to find in you a wife whose good sense and intelligence might in time become invaluable to me. You are well-read and well-informed. I imagined that with time - once I would have become more comfortable and you better acquainted with my character - we might never fall short of subjects to discuss. I imagined that we might both take pleasure in these discussions."

Elizabeth listened to him as he enumerated his arguments. All these things had been forming in his mind while he had sat tongue-tied with her at the parsonage and while he had quietly roamed the parks around Rosings in her company. She had been oblivious to it. Worse still, she could think of nothing to offer him in return. She could not say what his qualities might be or why he might have made her a good husband.

"I had hoped to be an eligible match for you because of the advantages that my station in life would offer. They can hardly be denied. But that is not all I had intended to offer. You will judge me harshly if I dare to speak these next words, but as your disapproval of my person is already complete, I will dare to speak my mind as honestly as possible. I consider myself an intelligent man. You would require a partner in life whose understanding matches your own and I believe that I could face up to that challenge. I would challenge you, Miss Bennet, as I would expect you to challenge me. Perhaps this prospect frightens you. Because you are accustomed to outwitting almost everyone you meet, even your father, I am sure of that. You would outwit me - you have done it before - but you would not triumph over me every time. You would occasionally have to admit defeat. Can you admit defeat, Miss Bennet?"

She could and she did. He had explained himself so thoroughly. What if he had spoken to her in this way yesterday?

"Yes, I can. It gives me little pleasure, but in this instance, Mr. Darcy, I fear I may not be able to avoid it. I have misjudged you and I admit that you did not deserve the harsh words I have spoken to you yesterday."

"And you, Miss Bennet, did not deserve the proposal I fear I may have made instead of the one I had intended to. However the truth of the matter remains the same. You do not feel as I feel. You do not love me."

She remained silent.

"At first, Miss Bennet, I was relieved to hear you refuse me so harshly. For a few moments, I was angry with you. I was glad to be angry. I believed that the anger would soften the blow. Alas, it is all gone now, any resentment I may have felt. The realisation came to me very soon after. Your reason may have considered accepting my proposal as I know it could have made you consider any other advantageous proposal that may have been or may still be made to you. I have to accept the fact that your heart rejects it and I do so gladly for it proves that you have a heart and I would not have wanted to spend my life with a woman who did not possess a heart. You are not at fault. I gave you no occasion to guess at my inclination. You were misinformed about my character. I have to accept part of the charges you levelled at me: either I am too much like your sister and do not know how to express those feelings I most desire to express; or else I am too much like yourself because I have been so perfectly oblivious to your dislike for me. In any case, the fault must be mine, not yours. You do not love me. But that is no comfort, I fear. It is not your responsibility to care for my disappointed feelings, I allowed them to blossom without any encouragement, it is my duty now to make them go away. I will no longer burden you with my qualms. I will leave you."


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you for your reviews! Because some of you pointed out problems with paragraphs and grammar, I have double-checked Chapters 1 to 3 and uploaded them again. I hope they're easier to read now! I hope you enjoy this new chapter :)_

**Disclaimer: **All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 4 -<p>

He walked away from her but she could not let him leave. She heard herself speak up again:

"Mr. Darcy."

He turned around.

"You have said a great deal and I must admit that if you had allowed me such a full insight into your character before you made your proposal, my notion of your character might have been more fully formed. I am humbled by your faithful account of my own character. I have never fancied myself in love; in fact, I know very little about love. You, on the other hand, appear to have the advantage of being familiar with the sentiment."

Mr. Darcy raised an eyebrow.

"But you must know what to expect from a husband? You must have given it some thought?"

"I would want him to be a kind and honest man. And I would have to be sure of his character."

"This would constitute an excellent foundation for a lifelong friendship. I believe that Bingley possesses all of these qualities. I am sure of his character. However, I do not wish to marry him."

He smiled at her. Who would have believed that Mr. Darcy had a sense of humor? It seemed that he had decided to conceal all his good qualities and to present her only with the most disagreeable aspects of his character. He must have hoped that by discouraging her heart, he might be able to silence his own.

"Mr. Darcy, you should know that my sisters frequently fancy themselves in love. But I know that it means nothing. They take pleasure in a handsome face or a few charming words. My mother and father believed themselves to be in love; they were so sure of their feelings that they decided to bind themselves together for life. But their temperaments are ill-matched and their marriage is not a happy one. I do not wish to make the same mistake."

She would have to stop now and let him go. He would leave this garden first, then Rosings and she would never see him again. By now, Elizabeth felt herself cast into an even greater turmoil than before. She could not remember ever having been in a similar state of distress. Her torment, her greatest torment – and how he would triumph if he knew – was this: she feared that he might have seen her more clearly than she had seen herself.

"I should envy you," he said.

"And why is that?"

"Because if you do not love, you do not suffer. You must believe that the only thing that could ever be wounded is my pride..."

"No, I do not believe that at all. In fact, I envy you."

"And why is that?"

"Because where I have raged and have been resentful, you have loved."

He was silent. Elizabeth began to wonder what she might have implied. Perhaps she had said more than she knew.

"Miss Bennet. I have never spoken to anyone as I have spoken to you today. I know that you wish to rid yourself of any qualms you might have and reach a definite conclusion about my character, but you must know that it will never happen. I will suffer, I will repent; you may regret or triumph as you choose, but we can never again be indifferent."

He gave her such a look that she feared what he might do next. Lady Catherine knew about his intentions... But he would not dare to force a conclusion in this matter. Not after the ill luck that had befallen his sister. He would not dare to take something from her that she could only give to the man she was sure to marry. Mr. Darcy made a step towards her and before she had an opportunity to escape, he touched her hair with his lips. At least that must have been his intention, but it was so fleeting that she could hardly say whether he had even touched her at all.

Before she could make sense of it, he was on his way to the house and by the time he reached the main entrance, her heart had begun to beat very fast indeed.


	5. Chapter 5

_Here's the next chapter - it is a transitional chapter... but I had to give Elizabeth the possibility to come to terms with what happened in Kent. Thank you for your reviews and for following this story - I hope you had a nice Christmas :)_

_**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Jane Austen._

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><p>- 5 -<p>

Dinner was an uncomfortable affair. Each one of the guests had their own reasons to be ill at ease and Elizabeth looked at little beside her own plate. She did not dare lift her head for fear of meeting _his_ eye. Lady Catherine did not speak to her nephew at all. Colonel Fitzwilliam took it upon himself to entertain the entire party as best he could. He announced that the carriage would be ready to depart in the morning. Anne de Bourgh was even paler than usual - what an afternoon this must have been for her! Elizabeth felt for the poor young woman and was suddenly sorry that she had never made an attempt to know her better.

Elizabeth was glad that Mr. Darcy spoke so little. She could no longer separate the sound of his voice from the words he had said to her only moments earlier. Now, even when he was discussing travel arrangements, it seemed to her as if he was still speaking of his feelings for her.

Only his hands were in her field of vision. In the garden he had placed one of his hands - was it his left or his right? - on her arm. She had never before given a man's hands much thought. Mr. Darcy's hands, she could not help but notice, were not too delicate; in fact they were rather strong. She had seen him ride many times and she knew that he hunted. These were the hands that had written her a long, serious letter.

She met his eyes only once, very briefly, when the party from Hunsford was ready to depart. He looked uncomfortable. What a mess he had made of his proposal! Elizabeth admonished herself not to feel too sorry for him: he was a man who could have almost everything he desired, but even he did not have the power to change another's feelings. If she had accepted his suit against her better judgment, it would soon have made both of them very unhappy. His wealth did not mean nearly as much to her as it did to Miss Bingley and he would never be able to live with a wife who was obedient, but indifferent. She felt his pain, but she knew that she could not offer any consolation. Perhaps, if Mr. Bingley were to come back to Netherfield and if Mr. Darcy were to accompany him ... perhaps in a few months, when the memory of this day could be contemplated more calmly, they could even be friends.

Then Elizabeth was back at Longbourn - and if she had hoped that the comfort of her home and the company of her friends and family would be able to ease her mind, she had been sorely mistaken. She did not dare tell Jane about any of the events that had come to pass in Kent. If Mr. Bingley were indeed to return to Hertfordshire, it was better to let it come as a surprise to Jane than to cause her unnecessary pain.

Despite her firm resolve to forget about Mr. Darcy's proposal, the gentleman rarely ever left her thoughts completely. A few times, she believed that she had seen him in Meryton only to discover - at a second glance - that the man in question did not look like Mr. Darcy at all. Although she was perfectly civil to Mr. Wickham, she changed the subject each time he attempted to speak to her about that particular gentleman and after a while, he no longer tried to broach the subject. Elizabeth wanted to think of the past only as its remembrance gave her pleasure, but she found it impossible to reach a definite conclusion about what had come to pass.

Why had he told her so much? Why had he not tried to keep his distance? Had his kiss been a farewell or an expression of honest feeling that could not be repressed? He must have felt how, at least for a moment, her resolve had wavered. At times, he felt so close, particularly in the mornings when she knew that she had dreamed about him, that it made her feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day.

Jane noticed of course that her sister was not her usual self. She questioned Elizabeth a few times, very earnestly, but Elizabeth was still so confused about her own feelings that she could not yet begin to speak about them.

It was her father who eventually called his favourite daughter into his library, determined to know the truth.

"My dear girl, will you not let me know what troubles you?"

Elizabeth made a poor attempt at laughing off her father's concern, but she felt that her laughter did not come easy.

"Oh, it is nothing really..."

It would be unfair to refuse her father's help. In the past, she had accused him of removing himself from the tumult of his home, when he should have tried to reign it in, and of seeking peace and quiet only for himself in the sanctuary of his library. Now he was waiting for her to speak.

"You know my frankness...", she began.

Mr. Bennet smiled, but Elizabeth could find no comfort in it. Perhaps if in the past he had checked her tendency to draw hasty conclusions, her mind would be at ease at present.

"I fear I may have acted rashly and caused great pain."

Her father looked surprised.

"This sounds serious indeed! And, who may I ask, have you offended? By whom should we anticipate to be most cruelly snubbed in the future? It was not Lady Catherine de Bourgh, was it?"

"It was Mr. Darcy."

Speaking out his name felt like speaking out a secret - like betraying his secret to the world. He loved her. He had wanted to marry her. To make her the mother of his children. It was the strangest thought she had ever known: that her children, these children that she hoped to carry in the future, might have been their children. It seemed impossible to imagine her features and her character mingled with another's in such a way. He had kissed her hair. Nothing more. How Lydia would laugh at her if she knew! But from a man as reserved and as conscious of propriety as Mr. Darcy... Instead of Lydia, it was her father laughing at her now.

"Mr. Darcy! And this is the cause of your distress! I can scarcely believe it! Has not he offended you first?"

Her father would not understand. She should never have spoken of it. It was true: Mr. Darcy had offended her and, after that, the entire neighbourhood! It would make sense only if her father knew about the proposal and she could not make that confession. She could not be entirely sure that he would not betray the information - if only by accident - and what a nightmare it would be if anyone heard of it. It would be unacceptable to see Mr. Darcy humiliated further.

Instead, Elizabeth changed the subject. If she could not tell him about Mr. Darcy, she would at least be able to speak about Mr. Wickham.

"Father, I believe that Lydia and Kitty should not so frequently be in the company of the officers. And I fear that Mr. Wickham is not quite as trustworthy as we believed him to be."

"As you believed him to be. And your mother and your sisters. I was always suspicious of how freely he shared his tales of woe with relative strangers. I am convinced that there must be some truth to all that he told us, but while Mr. Darcy did not strike me as quite such an amiable fellow as Bingley, I was reluctant to believe him a villain. I could not imagine that he would give himself the trouble."

"Why have you not said so?"

"I believe that I have. I told you to be wary of a man you were so little acquainted with. What is this about, Lizzy? What did Mr. Darcy say to you? And what does Wickham have to do with it?"

She shook her head.

"He merely ... also, do you not think that Mr. Bingley might not have been quite so eager to leave Hertfordshire if Mama had not so frequently pointed out how rich he was and how lucky Jane would be to receive a proposal from him?"

Her father walked up to her and took a closer look at her face.

"This is ridiculous. If Mr. Bingley truly loved Jane..."

"So you will not give this any credit?"

"Lizzy, now you will have to tell me what Mr. Darcy said to you. Has he censured our family?"

She blushed.

"Perhaps he..."

"I cannot believe it! I will not be led to believe that one month at Rosings could have gone to your head. Not you, Lizzy! I know how your sister's misfortune affects you, but if Mr. Bingley chose not to offer for Jane, after giving every indication that he would, it is because he is not yet sure of his own mind. He is still a very young man. Did he strike you as the kind of fellow who would take or dismiss a bride because of the way her mother or her sisters behave in society? You must see that it makes no sense."

No, it did not make sense. She had been grieved by her family's behaviour before, but never before had she been aware of how directly it could affect her own and Jane's fate.

"I know that Lydia has been invited to Brighton. I hope you will not let her go. Please, do not allow it."

"Oh, you know that there will be no peace in this house if I put my foot down in this matter. You do not know what you ask of me."

"And what would she do in Brighton except flirt with all the officers and make herself and her family ridiculous?"

"You do exaggerate, Lizzy. She is young. She will have only so much time to amuse herself."

"And what does she ever do except amuse herself?"

Her father sighed.

"If this is your wish ... but the whole house will be in uproar."

Her conversation with Mr. Darcy was over - perhaps she would never speak to him again - but she could not yet bring herself to let him go completely. Through her conversation with her father, she had really spoken to him. It did not matter that he would never hear her words, she nevertheless felt that a burden had been lifted from her shoulders.


	6. Chapter 6

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**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Jane Austen.

* * *

><p>- 6 -<p>

When Elizabeth returned from one of her morning walks, she was greeted by a confusion of voices coming from Longbourn.

"Oh, Mr. Bingley! Mr. Bingley has come back to Netherfield! What wonderful news! Oh Jane, it must be for your benefit!"

Jane stood next to her mother, looking pained. Mrs. Bennet was so delighted that she happily disregarded the question that must be foremost on everyone's mind: if Jane was truly the reason for his return, then why would he have absented himself for more than six months in the first place? Only Elizabeth knew the answer to this. She would have to find a way to speak with her sister before Mr. Bingley made his call.

The occasion presented itself before they both retired for bed that night.

"Do not trouble yourself on my account, Lizzy," said Jane. "I am well aware that if Mr. Bingley had wanted to seek me out, he would have called on me during all these months when I was in London. I assure you that I expect nothing of him now. I am only glad that his coming to Hertfordshire will give us the opportunity to meet as common and indifferent acquaintances."

Surely Mr. Darcy must have had the opportunity to speak with his friend by now and if Mr. Bingley no longer had any tender feelings for Jane, he would not have come all this way to let her know. He would simply have given up Netherfield and stayed away from this particular part of England. Bingley was not a cruel man and he did not have it in him to give anyone false hope. However, at this point, Elizabeth hardly dared to be sure of anything.

"And did Caroline Bingley not suggest that her brother was to marry Miss Darcy?"

At least in that respect, Elizabeth was able to put Jane's mind at ease.

"I can assure you that Mr. Bingley has no such intentions."

Jane started.

"How can you be so sure of it? Who have you been speaking to?"

Elizabeth now confessed that she had met with Mr. Darcy in Kent.

"Oh Lizzy, I knew something was amiss. Why did you not tell me about it before?"

"We had a terrible quarrel. We both said things that we will regret for a very long time."

"I always feared that it might come to this. You both seemed unable to keep out of each other's way."

Elizabeth blushed.

"Will you not tell me what happened?"

"Forgive me, Jane. I hope you understand. It is too painful for me to dwell on it. Truly, I'd rather not speak about what came to pass. I can only assure you that Mr. Bingley is not in love with Miss Darcy."

"But ... Lizzy, how did you and Mr. Darcy come to discuss Mr. Bingley?"

Elizabeth sat down on the bed and took Jane's hands in hers.

"Mr. Darcy proposed, Jane. He proposed to me while we were in Kent. And I refused him."

Jane could hardly believe it. She could not say which part she found harder to believe: that Mr. Darcy would have proposed or that her sister would have dared to refuse him.

"You refused him?"

"His proposal was very uncivil. You know me well enough to imagine in what way I might have refused even a perfectly eloquent proposal from that particular gentleman. Oh, the things we both said! I would rather not have you imagine it. I will not give you any of the particulars, but you can believe me when I say that Mr. Bingley and Miss Darcy are not engaged. I have reason to believe that Mr. Bingley's feelings for you may still be the same as they were when he left Hertfordshire. There. I hope that I have not said more than I should."

"If this is the case, if he loved me all those months, then why did he never call on me when I was in London?"

"Perhaps he was led to believe that you did not reciprocate his feelings."

Jane was silent as she considered her sister's words.

"But he must have known that everyone expected him to propose. Mama was never very discreet in that respect."

"Do not worry, Jane. He has come back and I am sure that all will be well. However, perhaps you should not try too hard to convince him of your indifference, unless you are truly indifferent."

But Jane's confidence had been severely tried throughout the winter.

"I hear you, Lizzy. But I will not be surprised if he does not call on us at all."

She paused.

"Will you not tell me how Mr. Darcy came to propose? I cannot believe it. Of course it does not surprise me that anyone should want to marry you, but I thought you disliked one another."

"Oh, I never changed my mind about Mr. Darcy. He was the one who experienced a change of heart. Unfortunately it quite escaped my notice."

"Mr. Darcy is in love with you?"

He was in love with me. He ardently admired and loved me.

"It would seem."

"And did he fall in love with you while you were in Kent?"

"No, I believe he loved me already when he was still at Netherfield."

"But why did he leave Hertfordshire if he believed himself in love with you?"

At this, Elizabeth was silent.

"Oh."

Jane coloured as she realised what Elizabeth implied. Must she not conclude from this that Mr. Bingley might have removed himself to London for the same reason?

Elizabeth went on to tell her sister about Wickham.

"Lizzy, what news! How you must have felt when you heard about it. It gives me pain to think that we may have been misled - yet, it must be true. Poor Mr. Darcy. Tell me, Lizzy ... you cannot dislike him still?"

Elizabeth looked at her hands.

"Perhaps it is harder to dislike a man after he has professed his love."

"He professed his love? But I thought you said his proposal was uncivil."

"His proposal was indeed uncivil. Although I must give him credit for his honesty. Unlike our dear cousin Mr. Collins, Mr. Darcy has no talent for flattery."

"How can a man profess his love and be uncivil at the same time?"

"It must seem like quite an achievement indeed. He thought it wise to confess that he loved me against his will, against his character and against his better judgement."

Jane hesitated.

"Would that not be rather ... Lizzy, a man like Mr. Darcy ... I suppose everyone expected him to marry his cousin. Did you not tell me so yourself? Perhaps he knew that by proposing to you he would go against the wishes of his family. The marriage would no doubt have been much-talked about. But if he was uncivil..."

He was uncivil at first, Elizabeth thought, but after that, he explained himself rather well.

-/-

Mr. Bingley came to Longbourn and brought Mr. Darcy with him. Kitty looked out the window and declared it a pity that the tall, proud gentleman had decided to return and call on them as well.

"I vow," cried Mrs. Bennet, "he will sit there and not speak a word and think ill of us all. Does he have nothing better to do? Did Mr. Bingley not tell us that he owned half of Derbyshire? Then what can he mean by always coming here?"

Mrs. Bennet entertained everyone so thoroughly with her complaints that only Jane noticed Elizabeth's unease.

When the gentlemen entered the drawing room, Elizabeth decided to turn her attention to Mr. Bingley first of all. He was no riddle and she would be able to tell from the first glance whether he still had feelings for Jane or whether his coming might have a different motive. He greeted her with his usual liveliness and good humour. What had Mr. Darcy told him? Did Mr. Bingley know that Elizabeth was aware of his reasons for staying away from Hertfordshire? Must he not think that she might have told her sister? Ever since Mr. Darcy's proposal, Elizabeth's life seemed entirely made up of questions.

How difficult it must have been for the two gentlemen to return to Hertfordshire - even more so for Mr. Darcy. He had every reason to believe that Elizabeth might have told her family about his interference. Or even worse, about his proposal. Still she was glad that he had decided to accompany his friend. It made Mr. Bingley's return seem a little less suspicious.

It was impossible to feign indifference, so she chose to smile at him instead. She had no reason not to smile. He had kept his promise and brought Mr. Bingley back. Mr. Darcy smiled in return, but as he smiled so rarely (had she ever seen him smile before that afternoon at Rosings?), it felt as if he had given her more than she had been ready to give him.

The lengths to which her mother went on about her delight – oh, to see Mr. Bingley (and his friend) return so soon (although of course it was not all that soon) and in such good health – gave Elizabeth time to pursue musings of her own. Mr. Darcy must know that she had not told anyone about what had come to pass in Kent. And he would have expected no less of her. She still could not decide whether she found the thought of him being capable of reading her so perfectly more pleasant or more terrifying.

He inquired about her health and she inquired about his health and about the health of his aunt and cousins and was not surprised to hear that of course they were all well. He was unfailingly polite and even amiable, speaking softly and sensibly, but if his mind was troubled, he did not let it on. She was glad to reply to each question he asked and glad for each question she could think to ask him in return. As it was a pleasant day, a walk was suggested and Kitty and Lydia decided to join them. Only Mary insisted she did not have the time.

Mr. Bingley walked ahead with Jane and Lydia - who did not want to miss out on an opportunity to stress the importance of having another ball at Netherfield. Kitty, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy were a less lively party. Kitty was too afraid of him to speak and Elizabeth thought only about all that she could not say. And he could say no more after having said so much - it could give the impression that he intended to press his suit. It was really very frustrating. Elizabeth understood that if she wanted answers to all the questions that were weighing on her mind, she would have to find a way to make the first step.


	7. Chapter 7

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**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 7 -<p>

The next day, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy were guests at Longbourn for dinner. Months before it would have been easy for Elizabeth to describe _his_ features. She could have said whether his nose was long or short; whether his lips were thin or full; she could have come up with an adjective that would have made you see the exact colour of his eyes. Now each time she glanced at his face, it was just as if she was seeing it for the first time.

The wretched man! No, she was no longer indifferent to him. She could even say that she had never been so little indifferent to any other person. How she had felt about Mr. Wickham did not compare at all. In his company, she had always been able to remain composed. It had been so much easier on her nerves.

Elizabeth hoped that no one would mention Wickham over dinner, but it was not to be. Lydia could do nothing but lament about how she had not been allowed to follow the militia to Brighton. To Elizabeth's surprise, she heard Mr. Darcy address her youngest sister.

"And what did you look forward to most particularly in Brighton?"

Every single head around the table was now turned in Mr. Darcy's direction. If he was aware of how odd his behavior was, he did not let it on. He appeared composed, even genuinely interested. Lydia spoke of dances and officers.

"And do you not find equal enjoyment in any other activity? Is there no other way in which you like you pass your time now that the militia has gone? Do you enjoy reading?"

Lydia pretended to think about it, before she confessed that she could think of nothing else that could amuse her quite as much as officers and dances. Bonnets, perhaps.

"I gladly leave all books to Mary and Lizzy. I find reading very dull and I never do anything that is dull."

Lydia could not imagine why anyone would waste time on an occupation that one would not consider amusing - unless of course, it was absolutely necessary.

Mrs. Bennet was very unhappy with Mr. Darcy at present. Please, do not let him censure Lydia openly, Elizabeth thought, my mother would never forgive him for it and Elizabeth could not listen to more abuse of him.

"You see," replied Mr. Darcy, "I am the opposite. I can only very rarely be persuaded to amuse myself. I believe that Bingley will attest to this. It seems that my friends find it very difficult to distract me from what I consider to be my duties. It would appear that, at times, I can be somewhat ill-tempered in consequence."

Mr. Bingley interrupted him immediately:

"Now, now Darcy! You take too much upon yourself…"

Mr. Bingley did not often hear Mr. Darcy confess his shortcomings. Perhaps he still found it difficult to believe that his friend had any shortcomings at all. Mary claimed that she knew exactly how Mr. Darcy must feel. She proudly faced each member of the Bennet household in turn - although apart from Jane and Elizabeth no one thought well of the gentleman.

What a teasing, teasing man he was! That he would subject Elizabeth to such torture when she had not trifled with him. At present, he seemed able to make her feel whatever he wished her to feel. He made her see what a reasonable, sensible husband and brother he could have made.

"I have come to the conclusion that it is possible to be too much of one thing. Perhaps it is just as unwise to be always serious as to never be serious at all."

Lydia and Mrs. Bennet were quite speechless. Elizabeth wanted to reach for his hand and make him see just how thankful she was. She knew that Lydia must have understood what her father and herself had attempted to communicate in vain. His words could not be even beyond Lydia's or Kitty's understanding.

"True, true!", Bingley hastened to add, "I believe that I am fonder of distractions than of duties. That is precisely why I turn so often to my friend Darcy for guidance. But after hearing the manner in which he has spoken, I understand that he would also welcome my guidance once in a while. I will take this as an invitation to divert him more frequently."

Before the gentlemen took their leave, Elizabeth hoped for an occasion to thank Mr. Darcy for his words, but it was not to be. He looked at her anxiously and she returned his look with not a little embarrassment and after he was gone, she was as unsure of his feelings as she was of her own.

./.

"And who does he think that he is! So high and mighty. To speak to Lydia in such a way. Really, I cannot see why Lydia should care one bit about whether Mr. Darcy approves of her occupations or not. Who is he to judge?"

Mr. Darcy's intervention had done nothing to recommend him to Lydia or to Mrs. Bennet. In fact, Mrs. Bennet s disliked him more now even than before. He had slighted one daughter and given an uninvited lesson to another - and worse of all, to the one daughter Mrs. Bennet thought quite above reproach.

"And who is he to judge! With his 10.000 a year - to speak to us as if we were his tenants. He has no authority over us!"

And so on and so on. Mrs. Bennet was decided to remain insensible to the greatest of all miracles: the proud Mr. Darcy had confessed a fault in his own character, willingly and in front of the Bennets.

"And all for Lydia's sake...", Jane remarked. Elizabeth hoped, hardly dared to wish, that it was not for Lydia's sake that he had spoken, but for her own.

Mr. Bennet put his newspaper aside.

"Now, my dear Mrs. Bennet, I know how you enjoy your outrage and far be it from me to try and reason with you, but I must say that I cannot see what was so very wrong about what Mr. Darcy said. In fact, I am only too ready to agree with the gentleman."

"Mr. Bennet!"

"Think about it. If Lydia had given me reason to believe that she could be trusted around a camp full of soldiers, I would not have opposed her travelling to Brighton. And if Mr. Darcy had been more like your dear Mr. Bingley - if he had flattered you and smiled at you, then you might not dislike him as much as you do at present. He seems to have no illusions about his own character. I am only too ready to applaud such clear-sightedness in any gentleman."

He watched Elizabeth as he spoke, but she thought it wiser to focus her attention on the book in her hands.

"Mr. Bennet!", cried her mother. "How dare you censure your daughter in such a way! If you decide to lock all of your daughters away, how will they ever find husbands? And what about Mr. Wickham? What about how Mr. Darcy treated poor Mr. Wickham?"

"Poor" Mr. Wickham indeed! Mr. Bennet informed her that he had run up quite a few debts in Meryton and left many accounts unsettled.

"Perhaps that is why he pursued Miss King with such eagerness, though sadly she was locked away before she could be of assistance."

"More fool her," said Kitty, "I never knew what he saw in her. Skinny, freckled thing."

"I have always thought it most unfortunate," said Mr. Bennet, "that our daughters should have to go into the world with hardly any dowry at all. But now it appears that it may even be an advantage. At least they can be sure that any gentleman who considers them, does so because he is in love with them and can have no ulterior motive."

Elizabeth blushed. Her father could not know what effect his words had on her; although perhaps if he had been a little more observant, he would at least be able to guess how uncomfortable his speech made her. Lydia had been silent long enough.

"But if Wickham no longer is to marry Miss King, he could come back and marry Lizzy. After all Lizzy was violently in love with him..."

Mr. Bennet raised an eyebrow.

"I know very well that it was Lizzy who told you not to let me travel to Brighton. It is really most unfair. What a good joke it would have been, if Mr. Wickham had changed his mind and decided that he liked me best of all!"

"I was never in love with Mr. Wickham", said Elizabeth, "and I will not have you spread such rumors."

Elizabeth put down her book and walked out of the drawing room. She did not like to be reminded of her past foolishness. How could she be sure of her feelings for Mr. Darcy, after having been so easily mislead by Wickham only a few months before? And who could say what Mr. Darcy's intentions were at present - it was quite possible that he had no intentions at all, apart from seeing his friend safely engaged to her sister.

./.

Eventually Mr. Bingley did propose and Jane happily accepted his proposal. She was so very relieved to see her dearest wish come true after having been so miserable for so many months. Everyone congratulated her on her good fortune and felt that nobody deserved it more than Jane. Even Lydia managed to recover some of her silly carelessness and the talk of dresses and carriages nearly made her forget all about Brighton and the officers.

"If only I could see you as happy," Jane said as they took a turn around the garden, "if only I could see you as happily married."

Elizabeth would be glad enough if she could only find an occasion to speak with Mr. Darcy without having to concern herself with her mother's or her sisters' interference.

"And what about how differently he behaves? He is so altered that I can hardly believe he is the same man who came here six months ago. The way he spoke to Lydia ... you must know that it was for your sake. Do you not think that he might have come here in the hope that you might reconsider his proposal?"

"But he never seeks me out," said Elizabeth, "we never find an occasion to speak."

"Imagine how unsure he must be. He must be waiting for you to give him a sign. He would never insist if he felt that you did not welcome it."

Elizabeth knew only too well that this was the reason why she never encountered him on her morning walks.

"Jane, when did you know that you were ready to accept Mr. Bingley's proposal?"

"I knew from that first evening at the Meryton Assembly that he was without a doubt the most amiable man I had ever met."

"But do you feel that you are well acquainted with him? There is so little time to truly get to know a man before one is expected to know whether to say 'yes' or 'no' to a proposal. How can you be sure that you love him?"

"I am confident that I know enough. I know his disposition and I do not believe that a man's disposition can change so easily."

Elizabeth had always claimed that only the deepest love could induce her into matrimony. But she understood now that it was an impossible claim. Such a love could only be the work of years. She would have to be satisfied with the hope that such a love might in time grow between her and the man she was to marry.

Jane wanted to know whether Elizabeth still felt the same about Mr. Darcy as she did before his return.

"I might just as well say that I am madly in love with him than I might pretend to dislike him just as much as before. Each time I believe that I have made up my mind about his character, he acts in a way that makes me reconsider. All I know is that I am glad we fought so terribly. Do not laugh, Jane. I thought I might never forgive myself for it, but perhaps I believe it was for the best. We now both know how we behave at our worst and if this does not deter us, then will."

"I must admit, I hope you will forgive me, Lizzy - I do not know whether I could ever be perfectly at ease again with someone if such harsh words had been spoken between us."

But Elizabeth did not feel this way at all. She rather believed that if he had never looked at her in anger, she would not feel the same pleasure when he looked at her with admiration.


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: **All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 8 -<p>

The betrothal between Jane and Mr. Bingley was to be celebrated by a ball. Caroline Bingley had grudgingly agreed to return to Hertfordshire and act as hostess for the same people she had so happily left behind before the winter.

If only she were able to set aside her misgivings about her brother's choice!, Elizabeth thought. Then again Caroline Bingley was not the kind of woman who would be able to appreciate Jane's gentle nature. If Mr. Darcy had offered for her, she might have welcomed Jane in quite a different manner.

Mr. Darcy had gone to London to meet his sister. He would bring her to Netherfield for the ball. Elizabeth had not been able to speak with him privately before he left Each day she had returned from her morning walks more disappointed than relieved.

Mrs. Bennet had insisted that her daughters should have new dresses for the ball. Elizabeth imagined _his_ eyes resting on her. He had spoken of Elizabeth's intelligence and of her liveliness and it would have been impolitic to speak of anything else. What had he seen in her? In the end, Elizabeth had decided against a new dress and formed a desperate resolution instead: she would no longer be shy of him. It was not like her and she had acted out of character long enough.

On the day of the ball, Elizabeth was nevertheless grateful that all eyes were on Jane and that her own trepidation went unnoticed. She came upon _him_ directly in the hall and he greeted her as amiably as had become his habit. He introduced her to his sister and as soon as Elizabeth beheld the young woman, she understood the full extend of Wickham's deception. Georgiana Darcy was a tall, pale girl of about sixteen and her eyes were at once clear and fearful. It was impossible to mistake her reservedness for pride. How different she was from Lydia and Kitty, who were not afraid of anyone! She must have lived a very sheltered life and it was no wonder that Wickham could have deceived her. Elizabeth hardly dared to imagined what kind of life the girl would have had if Mr. Darcy had not thwarted Wickham's plans.

Georgiana kept close at her brother's side and was in no rush to surrender the protection he offered. She was very glad to finally meet the lady her brother had told her so much about. He had often mentionned her in his letters, praising her performance at the pianoforte as well as her singing. Elizabeth had never performed to impress him and she wondered how each of her performances would now be affected by the knowledge that her playing had an effect on him.

"I fear," Elizabeth said, "your brother may have exaggerated my talents."

"Oh no! My brother always speaks the absolute truth. And I assure you that he is never wrong."

Elizabeth thought that it must be quite a burden for a young man to have to be always right! He was only human after all. She thought about what he had said to Lydia: did he perhaps envy her recklessness, if only a little? Elizabeth did not dare to contradict Miss Darcy; the girl must be as little accustomed to being teased as her brother had been when he first arrived in Hertfordshire.

How different Elizabeth felt from the first ball at Netherfield! The absence of the militia made the entire evening a slightly more subdued affair. Everybody was happy for Bingley and Jane and eager to welcome the gentleman permanently to the neighbourhood. There was no Mr. Collins whose peculiarities could have amused her and no Wickham whose absence was to be regretted. If it had not been for Mr. Darcy, Elizabeth might have enjoyed the evening very much. She tried not to look for him, but in fact she was always conscious of his location and he was everywhere she turned to.

A new dress and a ball had been enough to reconcile Lydia entirely with her fate – in fact she now congratulated herself on having remained in Hertfordshire, instead of travelling to Brighton where she would have missed out on the pleasures she was enjoying at present. Mr. Darcy's lecture had not had the desired effect after all: Lydia would never be satisfied with a life made up only half of pleasures, but with an equal share of responsibilities.

Despite the absence of the militia, she was rarely without a partner. On one such occasion, she came to stand beside Elizabeth, gasping for breath, and once she found herself able to speak in full sentences, she remarked on how Mr. Darcy was the only man who was not dancing. Although gentlemen were not scarce, Elizabeth had heard more than one person comment on his attitude.

"Oh, Lizzy I know what I shall do! I shall give him quite a scare and tell him that he will have to dance with me. You will see what a face he will make, when I ask him...!"

"No!," Elizabeth cried and a few heads turned in her direction.

"Come Lizzy, what a good joke it will be!"

Elizabeth reached out for her sister's hand and held her back.

"No", she said again, quietly but firmly, "please don't. Please, don't mock him."

Lydia shook her curls and walked away, wondering why her sister was lately so determined to be no fun at all! No, this would not do. Elizabeth had no reason to be afraid of him. At present, he stood next to the mantelpiece and was absentmindedly watching the couples go down the dance. Elizabeth took a deep breath and decided to walk in his direction.

She began by thanking him for the opportunity to meet his sister and he replied that Georgiana would be delighted to have the opportunity to hear Elizabeth play and sing. If only Elizabeth could have asked him directly: what are your intentions? What will you do next? Because it makes me absolutely miserable that I should not know.

"I see that you are not dancing", she said, "although I believe you to be acquainted at present with most of the ladies in the room. I conclude that you do not like dancing as a rule and you might as well admit it directly."

It was as freely as she had dared to speak to him ever since his return to Hertfordshire. For weeks now, she had been too addled to tease anyone but herself. He smiled at her.

"I had planned to be at my sister's disposal. But I see that my assistance is not required."

Georgiana was at present standing with Bingley and Jane.

"There is no impediment then."

"No, I gather there is not."

It was very unkind of him to torment her in this way and she could not understand what he was about. He must know why she had come to speak with him.

"And as there is not, may I ask for your hand for the next set?"

Elizabeth wanted to be angry with him for teasing her in such a way when she felt so vulnerable, but she could not. In truth, his teasing affected her quite differently.

Lydia watched with astonishment as Elizabeth took her place opposite Mr. Darcy. Should Lydia intimate what she wished, she would never be able to guess how disarranged her sister's feelings were at that moment.

The dance gave her no occasion, of course, to say anything of importance and so she had to resign herself to speaking again of what was at the same time perfectly acceptable and perfectly inconsequential. After the dance, he applied directly for another set and Elizabeth accepted, although she knew that his singling her out would not go unnoticed. Mr. Darcy turned towards her and lowered his voice.

"To avoid any further misunderstanding", he said, "it is true that I am not fond of dancing and I would never dance two sets with a lady because I was trying to find fault with her."

His unexpected forwardness made her cast down her eyes. However, Elizabeth's resolve was firm. She lifted her head and gave him a look that she had not believed herself capable of. She had certainly never looked at any other man in this way and she had not planned to look so at him.

This time she could be certain that he had not misunderstood. He had not moved, but he was no longer smiling. In fact, he was quite pale. What would he think of her now? Elizabeth knew only too well what he would think. He fixed her so intently that - for a moment - it seemed as if he had forgotten where he was. He must believe that he was admiring her as he had done before, from a distance and without her being aware of it. Elizabeth on the other hand was acutely aware of their situation: if she held his gaze, she would give him reason to hope. Could she give him everything he asked of her? Her mind knew that it was not yet made up, but her heart could not bear to disappoint him.

She had wanted to know how he felt - now she knew. What had she done? Elizabeth wondered whether she had - quite unintentionally and rather desperately - accepted a proposal.

Throughout the next dance he fixed his gaze on her, but did not say a word. There had been many uncomfortable silences between them before, but Elizabeth felt this one most of all. A few months ago, she had never known what to say to him and now there was too much to be said and they did not know where or how to begin.

By the time Elizabeth stepped into the carriage that would lead her back to Longbourn, she had decided that she would walk out again the next morning in the hope of meeting him. Still, she was not certain of what she would say to him when speaking could no longer be avoided and the thought kept her awake until the early hours of the morning.


	9. Chapter 9

_Here it is: the morning walk... I hope the chapter won't disappoint. I intend to write about three more chapters for this story, but I will be rather busy at work for the next three or four weeks, so I might not be able to update each week. Thank you very much for your reviews and for your patience :)_

**Disclaimer:** All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 9 -<p>

When Elizabeth rose the next morning, she was surprised to find Jane already awake. Both sisters had slept ill and Jane seemed decidedly melancholy.

"Do not trouble yourself, Lizzy," said she, "I could not have wished for a more fortunate turn of events. But how I will miss all of this! I will try to remember everything. Mary's sermons and mama's nerves and the talk of bonnets. I shall miss it all very much."

Elizabeth knew only too well how Jane must feel. These considerations were also foremost on her mind. What would Longbourn be like without her dearest sister?

"I can well believe it," Elizabeth replied, "it is a quandary, indeed. If we are to have a future, we have to let go of the past and if we are determined to hold on to our past, we can never hope to have a future. Perhaps we should envy those who are only too glad to leave the past behind and who have nothing but the highest hopes for the future. I am sure that they would shake their heads at us and call us silly for having such thoughts. And that is why you must reconcile yourself with your fate: you were meant to have a happy past and a happy future, but you cannot have both at the same time. There is only so much happiness we can bear."

Happiness. Elizabeth looked out of the window. It was still very early, but she could tell that it would be another warm and sunny day. She would have to slip out before her mother came downstairs. Ever since Jane's and Mr. Bingley's engagement, had become quite conscious of propriety. Now she insisted that her daughter's behaviour must be above reproach - one false step might still ruin everything. And she did not look kindly on Elizabeth's roaming the countryside. She could not imagine that any prospective husband might approve of such an independent spirit.

"And you will never have to miss us for long," Elizabeth added, "you will not be very far away from Longbourn."

Jane looked earnestly at her.

"But you may soon be."

Elizabeth blushed. Jane took her sister's hand.

"You know that you only have to say one word to him. Lizzy, you must make a decision. You must either accept him or send him away. He cannot wait for you forever. After last night, I suppose that people will begin to draw their own conclusions."

She paused.

"You do know that Mr. Darcy is to return to Pemberley with his sister - for the summer? He will stand up with Mr. Bingley at the wedding in September of course, but until then... I believe they will only stay in Hertfordshire for a few more days."

Elizabeth had not heard. She could not believe that he would leave. When he had been in London, she had already longed for his return. She could not bear to think of the two long, empty months that lay ahead of her if he were to spend the summer in Derbyshire.

"I suppose he has been very patient with me," she replied, "if he is to leave soon, then perhaps I should not make him wait."

If he asked, she would answer. She knew now what she wanted to say to him, but not how to begin. Would he dare to ask? Would he truly propose again?

./.

He waited for her halfway between Longbourn and Netherfield. He was holding a book in his hand, but as soon as he saw Elizabeth approach, he put it away.

"I have been trying to read," he said, "I do not think I have been very successful."

"Poetry?" Elizabeth ventured, remembering their conversation about poetry serving as food for love. He shyly shook his head.

"No. I find that I need no encouragement and, as you well know, I am not easily disheartened."

Both of them blushed. Elizabeth decided that she would broach the subject that was foremost on her mind.

"My sister tells me that you are to return to Pemberley?"

He confirmed it.

"Georgiana would be glad to have an opportunity to speak with you again before we depart."

Elizabeth could not hide her disappointment.

"And will you spend the summer in Derbyshire?"

"Unless ... perhaps you have an opinion on the matter."

"An opinion?"

"Perhaps you would like us to delay our departure"

"You cannot expect me to interfere with your plans."

"I cannot? I cannot expect or you cannot interfere?"

"Neither, I would say."

He sighed.

"Miss Bennet. You must know that I would ask a different question if I was not so terrified of your answer."

Elizabeth's heart was beating furiously at present. No matter how carefully she prepared herself, it seemed impossible to keep one's feelings in check in situations such as these.

"But you must ask the question, must you not? Or despair of ever receiving an answer."

"Or perhaps I might ask another question first?"

"Of course."

"Would you be sorry if we were to return to Pemberley?"

Elizabeth hesitated. This was not what she had expected. How he tried her patience!

"Miss Bennet?"

"I believe that I would be happier if you were to stay. And your sister too, of course. I had only just begun to make her acquaintance."

"We shall not leave then."

Elizabeth could no longer stand awkwardly across from him, so she began to walk ahead. He soon fell into step with her.

"You look unhappy with me."

"Oh no," Elizabeth hastened to reassure him, "not at all."

"What is it then?"

"Perhaps I am unhappy with myself. I am uncertain ... I am merely wondering what I may have said to you just now."

"You said that you would welcome it if my sister and I stayed at Netherfield until your sister's and Bingley's wedding."

"Yes, that is what I said. Perhaps what I truly meant to ask was what you may have understood."

"I gathered that you would like to be in our company during the summer."

Elizabeth feared that she might soon begin to cry out of sheer frustration with him.

"Please stop," she said, "please, will you not be serious?"

He started at her change of tone.

"I am sorry. I have gone too far."

"Tell me the truth: have you come back to torture me?"

Now he looked as contrite as she had ever seen him.

"I am a terrible fool," he began, "I must ask your forgiveness. Of course I have not come back to torture you. I suppose that I meant to tease you because I feared that I might have teased you too little before. I thought that I knew how it was done. But now I see that I have been sorely mistaken."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"Tease me? What did you hope to achieve?"

"At Rosings you asked me to explain how I had come to fall in love with you. You claimed that you gave me no encouragement. But you teased me, you challenged me, you did not always attend me..."

"And you hoped that your behaving in the same manner might have an effect on my affections?"

"Perhaps."

"You made up this plan while you spoke so eloquently to me of your feelings?"

"I am perfectly capable of thinking and speaking at the same time."

Elizabeth could not help but smile at this earnest recommendation of himself.

"And I would have expected no less of you. Although I strongly advise you against teasing. This scheme of yours was most foolhardy."

He hesitated.

"I had nothing to lose."

"So you have not changed your mind?"

"Of course not. You cannot expect a man to change his wishes and affections entirely in such a short time. You know that I am steadfast. I do not make light of these matters. I must hope a little longer."

He took a step towards her.

"Have you changed your mind, Miss Bennet?"

"Is this the question that frightens you?"

He nodded.

"The truth is ... I do not feel about you as I did all these months ago. Very soon after you spoke to me at Rosings, I was sure that we could at the very least be friends..."

Here Mr. Darcy interrupted her:

"Friends?"

Elizabeth saw him flinch. But this was not what she had meant to say at all. Why must he always misunderstand her? In an instant, his demeanor had changed. To her dismay, Elizabeth realised that she was still a little afraid of his temper and she did not like it at all. She did not want to have to fear that her actions might invite anger or reproach. All she knew for certain was that if they were to fight again at this point, all would be over. Whatever had begun to blossom between them, would then be quite beyond repair.

"Have I misread the way in which you looked at me only a day ago? Is this the way you look at all of your friends?"

Elizabeth blushed. She was mortified.

"You have not misread anything."

"Then what am I supposed to believe? Elizabeth?"

Now she definitely felt tears come to her eyes. She turned away from him.

"You must see that we could never be friends," he continued, "if you or I were to marry ... I mean, if I were to marry someone other than you ... Because of my own imprudent behaviour and my aunt's interference, half of my family knows, if not about my proposal, at least about the state of my affections. You must see that it would be unkind of me to impose on my wife the company of the woman I offered for before."

Elizabeth tried to imagine the woman he would one day marry. It gave her so much pain that she could not pursue this train of thought.

"It would seem," he said, "that I had something to lose after all. Again and again, I have made a fool of myself. I have declared myself several times now, not always very eloquently, but I can assure you that I have been perfectly honest and I have been ready to speak openly and candidly. I do not know how many more times I will dare to do so without having to fear for my sanity. I..."

He was about to talk himself into a fury. Not even at the Parsonage had he seemed so desperate. Not knowing how to silence or at least to calm him, Elizabeth reached out her hand and touched his cheek. His skin felt warm against her cold fingertips. At least now he would know that she was far from composed. This silenced him immediately.

"At Rosings, you said that we could never again be indifferent. You were correct. I was in such a state after you spoke to me ... When you returned, I longed for an occasion to speak with you, but it was not to be. I admit that I was quite desperate..."

"And so was I!"

"I suppose I looked at you thus because I wanted your attention."

Elizabeth tried to take her hand away, but before she could do so, he covered it with his and held it in place.

"Perhaps now you will understand how I felt when I rushed to the Parsonage two months ago. I was not yet ready to propose, but I could not delay our departure any longer. I had lost you once and I had been fortunate enough to be offered another chance. I had to rise to the occasion. Believe me that I will not expect anything of you that you are not ready to give. If you allow it, I would like to ask your father for the permission to court you. If by the end of the summer, you are certain that you could not be happy with me, then I will accept your refusal and never speak of it again."

And then what? Elizabeth thought. No, he must know what a courtship would mean. If he made his intentions known and she refused him again, he would be humiliated. To be refused by a woman with no relations at all! And what would her family say? It was not entirely certain that they would understand if she refused another advantageous proposal.

"But surely your father would respect your choice?"

"Of course he would. But once he will get to know you better, once he will see that you are a kind and decent man, I am sure that even he will begin to question my good judgement."

Mr. Darcy was momentarily confused. Had she truly called him kind and decent?

"Does this mean that you do not wish for a courtship? Would you wish for a proposal instead?"

Elizabeth stopped him again.

"Oh no. Please. I do not wish for another proposal. The words you spoke at Rosings were quite perfect. No woman could wish for a more heartfelt and thorough declaration. If I am to accept you, I would want to do so on the grounds of what you said then."

He was more and more uncertain of what Elizabeth meant to communicate. He let go of her hand, but did not step away from her.

"I am afraid," he said, "that I do not understand. However, in this matter I would like to be perfectly clear. Does this mean that you agree to become my wife?"

"I suppose it does."

Elizabeth had expected to be more nervous now than ever, but instead she was perfectly calm, while he was agitated. Now that she had made her decision, she felt no desire to reconsider it.

"Oh."

He had not expected this much.

"Are you certain?"

"All I know is that I am quite sure of myself at this point. I do not know how I will feel in the years to come, but we must hope for the best. I am certain though that I will never be happy if I let you get away. After my return from Kent, when I was not sure whether I would ever see you again, I had expected to be relieved. Instead, I was miserable. I could hardly recognise myself. I never wish to feel this way again. So accepting you seems like the more reasonable choice. Would you not agree?"

He cleared his throat.

"Yes."

Elizabeth quite enjoyed seeing him speechless.

"There is one matter I would like to discuss with you."

"Of course."

"Why have you not always been as amiable as you are now?"

"As I told you before, I am uncomfortable around people I am not well acquainted with."

"Do you not find it ungenerous?"

"I invite you for a moment to imagine what speculations would have been made in Meryton if I had been more amiable. What rumors would be circulated in London if I was amiable to every young woman who sought my attention? In my position, I have to be more careful than my friend Bingley."

"I do not dare to imagine what the ton will think of your marriage..."

"Our marriage," he rushed to correct her, then pursued, "now you will understand why I prefer to take into consideration only what my closest friends think, those who know me well enough to respect my choices. I do not wish to give credit to the opinions of those who have almost no relation to me."

"And what about your closest friends? Did you not tell me that your good opinion once lost was lost forever? Does this apply also to your dearest friends? Would it apply to your wife?"

"I was thinking of Wickham when I said it and I have since come to reconsider my words. I was very thankful for Bingley's ready forgiveness. You are not afraid of me, I hope?"

"A little, perhaps. I fear that one day I may lose your good opinion and we will spend the rest of our lives side by side, in bitter resentment. You know that we are both strong-willed and hardheaded and you must know that we will not always agree. I do not wish to have to fear your censure."

"I would never want you to be afraid of me. I am well aware of your character. I would not expect you to change - on the contrary."

"But you are accustomed to have your own way. And we always quarrel."

"We do not quarrel. We speak about what is important and what we both feel strongly about. These discussions are bound to be more animated than polite conversation would be. But these are not quarrels. If neither one of us wishes to cause pain to the other, then it is not a quarrel."

"I do not wish to cause you pain."

Any thought of causing him pain was long forgotten.

"That is something I suppose."

He smiled.

"But what about your family?"

"My family respects my wishes and they will respect you."

He took her hand and pressed his lips against her wrist. She would have to accustom herself to this new, tender side of him.

"When did you know that you would accept me?"

"I believe that I was almost ready to accept you by the time I left Kent."

"And when did you know for sure?"

"When you called me by my name."

"I did? I apologise if..."

"No. There is no need to apologise. I am quite happy that you did. It showed me - if I should still have wished to doubt it - that I was actually yours."

"You were?"

"I am. I am yours."

I have been yours, she thought, from the moment you kissed my hair in the garden at Rosings. I have been yours ever since you painted the picture of what our life together could have been. You knew that I did not only wish for a husband - I wished for a partner. And for once your pride was not misguided: you knew better. You knew it had to be you.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: **All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 10 -<p>

Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley came to call at Longbourn in the afternoon and while the latter entertained the ladies in the drawing room, Mr. Darcy went to find Elizabeth's father in the library.

Mrs. Bennet could not reconcile herself to the fact that the gentleman was to stay in Hertfordshire until the wedding. She thought he might still want to influence his friend and ruin Jane's happiness. How surprised she would be to learn that it was first and foremost his own happiness he had in mind!

The longer it took for Mr. Darcy to return to the drawing room, the more agitated Elizabeth grew. Although she did not expect her father to withhold his consent, she knew that he would be made unhappy.

When she no longer found it in her power to be patient, she stepped into the hallway. She only had to wait a few minutes, before Mr. Darcy came out. He smiled.

They stood across from one another in the dark hallway and for a moment, Elizabeth thought he might want to kiss her. He looked at her with the same determination she had seen on his face at Rosings and at the ball two days ago. But they could hear her mother chatter away in the drawing room and her father move around in his library, so he had to contend himself with a quick squeeze of her hand. There will be time yet, she thought, or at least she hoped that amidst the preparations and the astonishment and the admonitions, there would be time to be in love.

After supper, her father called Elizabeth into the library. He was very agitated.

"Are you out of your senses to be accepting this man? Have you not always hated him?"

Elizabeth conceded that Mr. Bennet had every reason to be surprised.

"I know this news must give you pain."

"Pain? Elizabeth. It would only give me pain to know that you were making yourself miserable. Life is very long, Lizzy - can you imagine spending thirty and more years united to a man you do not love? To have to bear and raise his children? I do not often encourage my daughters to be reasonable, but in this instance I would not wish to see you of all people act reasonably."

She smiled.

"Father, I fear that you do not understand, but no one could blame you for being misled, for it was I who misled you and misled myself. I must own it. In truth, my wish to marry him is not reasonable at all, it is most unreasonable even. I wish to marry him because I love him."

"You love him?"

Her father was at a loss. When had this come to pass? Whatever could Elizabeth see in that quiet, serious young man, who seemed so ill at ease in company? He did not think Mr. Darcy wholly without merit - he was no Mr. Collins - but this was not the match Mr. Bennet would have chosen for his favourite daughter.

"My dear child. If you tell me that you are in love, I must believe you. But are you sure that you know what you are about? The two of you..."

He hesitated.

"...have you taken the time to discuss it? You are better acquainted with him at present than I can pretend to be, but we all know him to be a very serious young man. Can you imagine what life with him would be like?"

Elizabeth thought about the way his lips had felt against her wrist; in fact, she had thought about it all the way back to Longbourn. It occupied her mind so entirely that she could hardly remember the words they had spoken.

"He is not so very quiet and he is not so very serious either. When he has something of importance to say, he can be quite eloquent. At times, he may come across as stern, but that is only because he is insecure. I have come to enjoy his company very much. Will you believe me if I tell you that I find him amiable?"

"Amiable?"

And charming. Dangerously so, Elizabeth thought, but of course she did not admit as much to her father.

He came to sit beside her.

"I have given him my consent of course. But I told him that I wanted to hear your opinion on the matter. I could hardly believe it when he told me that you accepted him of your own free will."

"I hope you have not frightened him too much."

"Oh there was no need. He seems to know his own mind perfectly well. Apparently he has been looking all over England for a woman who would contradict him constantly and find fault with him at every turn and he had to come all the way to Hertfordshire to locate her."

Elizabeth hoped that her father had not spoken so to Mr. Darcy.

"Is this how you see me?"

"Do not fret. Your young man has defended you with great determination. But you must know that he wants a wife with an independent spirit - who would not be afraid to speak her mind, even at the risk of displeasing him. I wonder at such a man, Lizzy. Your mother contradicts me repeatedly and never says anything I would wish to hear, but I can find no pleasure in it. He is a much braver man than I am. He will need a strong woman by his side. You will have to stand your ground."

"You fear that you mistake him entirely," Elizabeth said.

She thought about his sister and how kind he was to her. Despite Mr. Darcy's reassurances - he did not want her to change, Elizabeth did not have to be afraid of him -, despite the fact that he had softened since his first proposal, he was not nearly as easy to read as Mr. Bingley. She could never tell how he would react in any given situation. She could not imagine what kind of husband or father he would make. Would he be caring and gentle, as he behaved with his sister? Or did he perhaps feel that his sister had been too sheltered and that her upbringing had made her vulnerable? If Elizabeth was able to give him sons, would he be a strict father to them? Once they were married, would he seek her out as often as he did now or would he begin to take her for granted?

Mr. Bennet decided to turn the conversation to more practical matters.

"Have you spoken about a date for the wedding yet?"

Elizabeth shook her head.

"I probably should not tell you, but I find it preferable that you should be warned", her father continued. "Mr. Darcy would like to return to Pemberley in September. He cannot stay on at Netherfield after Jane and Bingley are married. I imagine he is thinking of a double wedding."

"He said so to you?"

"No. He wants to speak with you first of course. But this is what I gathered. It would be the most sensible course of action. If you feel that you are ready..."

During their walk, he had alluded to the fact that he expected her to make a decision before the end of the summer. Now that her mind was made up, it did not matter to her when they would marry. Longbourn would not be the same after Jane left and it would be lovely to share that important moment with her favourite sister. She was quite sure that Jane would feel the same way. Elizabeth told her father that she would speak about it with Mr. Darcy. Perhaps there would be time tomorrow, when Jane and Elizabeth were to have tea at Netherfield. Elizabeth was impatient to meet with Miss Darcy again and to learn a little more about her brother.


	11. Chapter 11

_Thank you so much for your reviews! I hope you'll enjoy this next chapter :)_

**Disclaimer**: All characters belong to Jane Austen.

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><p>- 11 -<p>

To Elizabeth's surprise, Miss Darcy already knew about the engagement. Or rather, she had never doubted that Elizabeth would eventually accept her brother's hand. When he delayed their return to Pemberley, she concluded that there could be only one reason for it. She was less shy now than she had been at the ball and thanks to her brother's gentle guidance, they were able to converse easily. She told Elizabeth about the pieces of music she had lately studied and about the new pianoforte her brother had promised. It would be waiting for her at Pemberley.

"We will be able to play on it together."

Each time Elizabeth was reminded of the changes that lay ahead of her, she felt dizzy. Jane at least knew where she would live with Mr. Bingley after the wedding. Elizabeth had never even been to Derbyshire.

When she expressed an interest in the house, Miss Darcy immediately volunteered to show her the drawings she had made. She had brought them for her brother because he had not seen his home in so many months. As soon as Pemberley was mentioned, Elizabeth thought she saw something in Miss Bingley's expression change. Did she know that Mr. Darcy had already made his choice?

Elizabeth followed Miss Darcy into the library where she had laid out the drawings.

"They are very recent. I did them at the beginning of spring."

So this was Pemberley. Seeing the house gave Elizabeth a shock. It was nothing like Rosings. Elizabeth could not even begin to count how many windows there were. It was by far the grandest house she had ever seen. And the handsomest too. Perhaps the gentleman's pride was not entirely unjustified, although he had made ill use of it.

"Do you not like it?" Georgiana inquired, when she discovered the look on Elizabeth's face.

"On the contrary," Elizabeth replied, "I like it very much."

She could hardly breathe. How could Mr. Darcy believe that she was fit to be mistress of such an estate?

"If William had his way, I am sure that he would never want to leave Derbyshire at all."

Georgiana hesitated, then placed her hand on Elizabeth's arm.

"I am so glad that he will finally be able to make it a home."

Elizabeth blushed. What had she done that made the Darcys welcome her so readily into their lives? She reached for her new sister's hand.

"Thank you very much for your kindness. I sincerely hope that I will not disappoint..."

Miss Darcy shook her head.

"Oh no. I knew from the first time my brother wrote about you in his letters that he would look no further. I only hoped that he would find a way to make you see his true nature. He has always been everything I could have wished for in a brother, but he so rarely smiles. Have you noticed it too? Did he smile at you often? Was that how he won your hand?"

His words, rather than his smile, had persuaded her, although Elizabeth admitted that his smile could be very persuasive, especially since he seemed to know exactly when to employ it to the greatest possible effect.

"Perhaps now he will smile more often," Georgiana said, "I can already see how changed he is. Once he knows you well, he will no longer fear to appear unguarded."

It seemed that Georgiana had only been waiting for someone she could share her concerns with. And their shared affection for him made them instant confidantes in Georgiana's mind.

"Has he always been this way?"

"I don't remember what William was like before our mother died. But once our father too fell ill, he wanted to be sure that William was prepared for the responsibilities he would have to take on. With me, Father showed great forbearance, but he was very strict with William. Our father believed that a man could only be himself inside his home. In the world, a man needs to be respected always. And my brother tried his best not to disappoint."

When he had come to propose, Mr. Darcy must have known that his father would not have approved of the match. With this marriage, he made himself vulnerable. It proved that he was ready to disregard what was in his family's best interest and think only about his own happiness. In this light everything he had said at the Parsonage began to make sense, but of course Elizabeth could not have known at the time.

"He is so unlike our father..."

Georgiana stopped herself.

"I am talking too much. You must feel that I overwhelm you."

Elizabeth admitted that she was a little overwhelmed indeed. But Miss Darcy was not at fault. In fact, Georgiana had told her more than Elizabeth could have hoped for.

./.

Elizabeth knew now that she could no longer avoid telling her mother about the engagement. She went to find her that same evening before Mrs. Bennet retired for bed. After Elizabeth made the important communication, her mother did not say anything at all for a full minute at least. Then she took hold of her daughter's hands and said:

"Oh, Lizzy. It is so good of you."

Elizabeth was momentarily confused.

"Good of me?"

"I knew that there must be a reason for his always coming to Longbourn and it could not have been for Kitty or Mary or Lydia. Of course it was for you. Although God knows why he slighted you at the Assembly like he did! But you were very clever and he soon came around. It makes perfect sense now that I think about it. Men of his station, they like a spirited woman now and then."

"Mama...," Elizabeth tried to stop her, but her mother would not let herself be deterred.

"They do not usually propose, though. You are very lucky, Lizzy. My God! Mrs. Darcy. Oh, I shall go distracted! How rich you will be! What carriages, what pin-money you will have! You must be careful now not to drive him away before you are wed. Lizzy, I know how you can be!"

Elizabeth reminded her mother of the fact that they were engaged and that Mr. Darcy was not the kind of man who would break his word.

"La, engagements have been called off before. No, you have to marry him - and soon! Nothing is safe until then. I know! You and Jane could have a double-wedding."

Mrs. Bennet was relieved when Elizabeth informed her that this possibility had already been discussed.

"Very good. Very good. It is really very good of you. After the way in which you refused Mr. Collins! You are not ungrateful after all, you know what you owe your family. And Mr. Collins is nothing to Mr. Darcy. Oh, I cannot wait until the Lucases hear all about it. We will not care now whether or when the Collinses come to turn us out of our home, thanks to Mr. Bingley and your Mr. Darcy. It is really very good of you to take this upon yourself. Not even you would dare to refuse a man of his consequence. Two months is not a very long time. But still. Lizzy, you are not allowed to ruin it!"

Elizabeth sighed, but she was more amused than annoyed. If it had been possible to frighten Mr. Darcy away, she would have done so a long time ago.

./.

From the next day forth, all of Meryton could talk only about Elizabeth's good fortune. They congratulated Mr. Darcy on his having won the heart of the "brightest jewel of the country" and he was good enough to appear embarrassed rather than irritated. Now he was universally liked. They had always known that he was not so proud at all! And what a charming sister he had!

Elizabeth knew how all of this must cost him and she promised herself that she would make it up to him when they were alone. She would have to try to be easy and amiable to lighten his mood. Except that they never found time to be alone. They had met twice in the mornings, but they both knew that they had to be careful. Their behaviour would have to be above reproach, because some people, not to mention Lady Catherine, were only too ready to think the worst of them.

When they all took a turn in the garden or even when they walked to Oakham Mount, there were always Kitty or Lydia and he was not the kind of man to steal kisses in such circumstances. He had taken Elizabeth's hand and pressed his lips to her knuckles or her wrist several times, but that had been all. Perhaps he would not dare to do anything more until they were married.

At times, when the weather did not make it possible for them to walk out, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy spent their afternoons reading with Mr. Bennet in his library. On one such occasion, Mr. Bennet was called out of the library by Mrs. Bennet, who needed to discuss some urgent business with him.

As soon as her father had left the room, Elizabeth could feel Mr. Darcy's discomfort. Did he think ill of her father for leaving them unchaperoned? It was not entirely proper, but then again, Elizabeth was not surprised. Perhaps Mr. Bennet wanted to give Elizabeth an occasion to speak at least a few private words with her future husband before the wedding. Or perhaps he simply took pity on the young man who had done his best to be patient with Mrs. Bennet and all of Meryton throughout the past weeks.

Elizabeth could no longer sit still. She got up and walked over to the shelves. It did not really matter which book she chose, for when he was present she had to make an effort to even keep up the pretense of reading. When she turned around, she was sure to find him standing behind her. It was strange to see him in the unfamiliar environment of her father's library. He was so tall that he could hardly stand upright. Mr. Darcy really did belong in the grand rooms of Netherfield - or Pemberley, because Pemberley's rooms must be even grander. No, she decided, she rather liked the way he looked, in the dim light of the overcast afternoon. It made him seem a little less formidable and less frightening.

He would kiss her now, she was sure of it. Elizabeth closed her eyes. Their first kiss was brief, but gentle. It was everything she could have hoped for. Elizabeth's only regret was that it did not last long enough for her to become aware of everything she felt. His lips were softer than she had expected; she had not thought that a man's lips could be as soft as a woman's. She could smell the soap on his skin.

Elizabeth was thankful that he had tried to spare her sensibilities. He must be more experienced in these matters than she was. With time he would no doubt become more daring and let her see what he wanted from her. This kind of reticence - for she knew that it was reticence, she was not naive enough to believe otherwise - must be for her benefit. She wondered what he would ask for once he could ask for anything.


End file.
